Why She? How could you?

Many a times when someone talks to me about you in past tense, it kills just kills me and I feel as if a deep knife is slicing through my core. Every time I take out 4 plates without a thought and realize that only three of us are going to eat the meal I die hundred deaths…

Today after a long time I went for haircut and all I could remember was last time when I went there, I took appointment for both of us. It was almost unbearable to sit through the session and stop myself from crying. Memories of her trying out latest hairstyle in trends, and taking photo after every hair cut the moments that used to  delight us at some point of time brought back lot of pain today. Every time I go out for work or otherwise I just keep waiting for the phone call which I know will never ever be there and words just keep haunting me " How much more time ? "

I still cry many times in a day, but one thing I can control now is not to cry when people are around , not because I can not handle it, but because they feel uncomfortable , people just can not handle other's grief. A friend sent a message yesterday hope you all must have settled now … Can we ever?

I still cry many a times every single day, but with every passing day it becomes more uncomfortable to cry in front of others.  It feels like they just can't handle it , so I try to keep myself distanced from most. Only you know what you are going through and truth is it’s tough and very very lonely there.

Whenever I am sitting alone there is a constant battle going on in the mind, If God exists why does he takes away precious life’s that have not even seen the life properly?

I am just tried of figuring it all, and all I can manage is some more confusion. Since that day I am trying to search logic about the fickleness of life, the soul story and that this life is very small fraction of the bigger picture. I do not consider myself knowledgeable in such matters but I desperately want to see signs , that it is really a part of big picture.

Everyday I have nightmares about that evening, which do not let me sleep, even if I sleep I dream about her where she is laughing , bullying all of us and smiling all the time{ she knew that she is going to get her way }  , when I wake up in the mornings there are always questions buzzing in my mind …and confusion thicker than ever before and anger more than ever...

Why She?
How could you?

But has God ever replied ?

Sitting Across A Glass Wall

Other day I was wondering how a tragedy can make people change, the ones you thought were your friends may no longer be the ones standing with you in time of suffering and tragedy { as I wrote before Tragedy changes your life, your calendar and also your phonebook } . More I think about it, more I feel that reason might be the 'pain' that comes with it . Many of them do not want pain that will come with you , for a simple reason that  they also might end up feeling your pain and suffering.

Many a times it feels like watching people from distance, many of old faces you knew seem so distant, so far away that even if you want to, you can not reach out to them. However sad and cruel it may sound , one has to accept the fact that it’s a glass wall, and you are standing with few people {who have understanding of what pain is} on this side of glass wall, while others on the other side of wall will never understand, because they have not experienced such pain in their life. Or May be It is just too difficult  for them to comprehend that what has happened. 

If God is up there, watching us, why is this all suffering on the earth? why so many children who are born with disease, why so many parents who despite having children suffer, why a person who have never harmed anyone and fulfill their duties suffers, where as others who are criminal, have all the vices, and do not leave a single chance to hurt everyone around them continue to prosper and live a happy life. This is so beyond my understanding.

Past life or “purva janam ke karam”, I am told. How in the world God decides to punish based on our past life { If at all there was one }, no judicial system in world punishes someone without establishing the nature of crime or charges {except dictators} so is God a dictator? He even does not tell people the crime they have committed and yet punishes them, is that what people call God’s justice.

Some say learn to look at big picture, believe me, I want to. I sometimes try to hard to look at big picture or big plan as they say. But again my mind asks me, is this fair? How can be a higher purpose of taking away the right to see the world? If God can not allow a child to spread her/his wings and explore the world why bring him on the earth in first place.

No religion, no Guru, no book {of what I have read till now has any answer} no explanation at all. All I am asked to do is just believe... with no question asked of course.

12 Sundays are Gone and What's Changed

Its been 12 Sundays that Agreya has left us and our life changed forever. Recently we took a trip to mountains of Jammu & Kashmir, a trip that we were supposed to go on with Agreya , but somehow for one reason or other it was always postponed. 

No one of us really wanted to go, still we went, no one of us thought we can go out with Agreya physically not present with us, but we survived ( funny, how our heart thinks that life has stopped now, but it does not). This was the trip that gave us chance to spend time with our innerself ( each one of us ) and also to think about people around us. 

Serene sunsets with practically no one around on the top of a mountain to watch. One of the places beyond reach of  tourists and nothing but vast expenses of  snow clad mountains and most spectacular blue sky interspersed with different shades of orange { "When nature has work to be done, she creates a genius to do it." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson }

Coming back to introspection thing , whenever something changes, there are so many other things that change too; and there is no incidence { tragic or happy } that leaves you without any learning.  Good thing that after spending time away from busy work life, technology {well not completely, I used my camera and limited phone use} and everyday struggles of life, you are ready to think afresh, your mind accepts the obvious which you were trying to ignore till now. 

I learned so many things , many of which if someone would have told me few months ago, they would either hurt me or I would have just brushed them aside. But brushing aside issues almost never work or It does , I have yet to find out.

Few things that I observed { I may be wrong in my observations but  how do you learn ... by observing,  isn't it } .

• First thing, you have less people who {really} care for you, and more who {really} don't care , focus on those who care { Yes I have trimmed down my facebook list and the process is on} till I have max people on the list who care. Sometimes that care when it comes from the people who are stranger for you, but they know you in some way, totally amazes you and your belief in existence of humanity increases manifolds.
• Sometimes your capacity to forgive people surprises even you, there comes a time when empathy becomes more important than your inner conflicts and whats moral and sometimes even ethical { Yes that's how life works }
• Tragedy changes your life, your calender and also your phone book. Old friends no longer will be there in your phone logs, and so will be the new ones { who come to know about it }. Don't worry your list might be short but it is a solid one , the one that you must save it for rest of your life.
• Mere mention of  your child or a simple question how many children you have can freeze you and take out the life that you feel is still left in you. Remember, people who you have not been in touch with recently or you have just met will ask and you have to be prepared to answer { Its perfectly OK if your eyes well up with tears }.  Being prepared helps, and it helps others from feeling awkward, this will keep happening , there will be people who you do not need to tell, and there will be people whom you have to tell.
• Why remember things that give you heartache , why not the things that gave you happiness { I am trying to focus more on happiness that  Agreya gave us in her short life , the ones which will always make us smile and bring back her with us every moment of our life} 
• Mostly , people who said get on with life will be the ones who will get scandalized when they even have smallest of doubt that you actually might. 
• I am not letting my self forget that how mush she loved us, how much pain she felt when I was not feeling well, that last cup of tea she made {despite she was not feeling strong herself } on that Wednesday afternoon, when I came out of bath after a tough day. 
• To honor her love for us , we all have to keep moving, yes it is difficult but we owe it to her. And When I read books like Many Lives Many Masters and Only Love is real  I like to believe that everything is temporary , life , death , the role we play. One day somewhere , in some other destination we will meet again. 

As they say in a Shabad from Gurubani  "Khwar hoe sabh milange "  meaning Those separated will unite.

Why This Blog

I already have a blog so why this second blog?

Many of those who are connected to me in various way know that we lost our little princes Agreya on 10 Feb 2014 { I posted about it here }. Many of my readers reached out to me by various means, I am so overwhelmed by support and prayers each one of them sent to me. But most of my readers on the blog are there for reading food related stuff with bits of my life thrown in them, If you are reading this blog chances are that either you are going through some phase of grief, or may be want to empathize with me some way. So it is OK if you read about this sad part of my life, and how I am going through it. But I did not want to weigh down every one reading that blog with my grief so this blog.

But Why Blog

It’s been more than 2 months and till now, there is no single moment that Agreya was not there in my thoughts. She was and will always be integral part of my life, so I just can not stop thinking about her and want to talk about her.  I do not know how frequently I will post, but I read that grief journaling is something that helps to take some weight out of your chest. Everyday is a struggle, an emotional roller coaster , some moments are happy and those memories bring smiles and others just bring some more pain, So I am trying to write my journey here …