Why She? How could you?

Many a times when someone talks to me about you in past tense, it kills just kills me and I feel as if a deep knife is slicing through my core. Every time I take out 4 plates without a thought and realize that only three of us are going to eat the meal I die hundred deaths…

Today after a long time I went for haircut and all I could remember was last time when I went there, I took appointment for both of us. It was almost unbearable to sit through the session and stop myself from crying. Memories of her trying out latest hairstyle in trends, and taking photo after every hair cut the moments that used to  delight us at some point of time brought back lot of pain today. Every time I go out for work or otherwise I just keep waiting for the phone call which I know will never ever be there and words just keep haunting me " How much more time ? "

I still cry many times in a day, but one thing I can control now is not to cry when people are around , not because I can not handle it, but because they feel uncomfortable , people just can not handle other's grief. A friend sent a message yesterday hope you all must have settled now … Can we ever?

I still cry many a times every single day, but with every passing day it becomes more uncomfortable to cry in front of others.  It feels like they just can't handle it , so I try to keep myself distanced from most. Only you know what you are going through and truth is it’s tough and very very lonely there.

Whenever I am sitting alone there is a constant battle going on in the mind, If God exists why does he takes away precious life’s that have not even seen the life properly?

I am just tried of figuring it all, and all I can manage is some more confusion. Since that day I am trying to search logic about the fickleness of life, the soul story and that this life is very small fraction of the bigger picture. I do not consider myself knowledgeable in such matters but I desperately want to see signs , that it is really a part of big picture.

Everyday I have nightmares about that evening, which do not let me sleep, even if I sleep I dream about her where she is laughing , bullying all of us and smiling all the time{ she knew that she is going to get her way }  , when I wake up in the mornings there are always questions buzzing in my mind …and confusion thicker than ever before and anger more than ever...

Why She?
How could you?

But has God ever replied ?

Sitting Across A Glass Wall

Other day I was wondering how a tragedy can make people change, the ones you thought were your friends may no longer be the ones standing with you in time of suffering and tragedy { as I wrote before Tragedy changes your life, your calendar and also your phonebook } . More I think about it, more I feel that reason might be the 'pain' that comes with it . Many of them do not want pain that will come with you , for a simple reason that  they also might end up feeling your pain and suffering.

Many a times it feels like watching people from distance, many of old faces you knew seem so distant, so far away that even if you want to, you can not reach out to them. However sad and cruel it may sound , one has to accept the fact that it’s a glass wall, and you are standing with few people {who have understanding of what pain is} on this side of glass wall, while others on the other side of wall will never understand, because they have not experienced such pain in their life. Or May be It is just too difficult  for them to comprehend that what has happened. 

If God is up there, watching us, why is this all suffering on the earth? why so many children who are born with disease, why so many parents who despite having children suffer, why a person who have never harmed anyone and fulfill their duties suffers, where as others who are criminal, have all the vices, and do not leave a single chance to hurt everyone around them continue to prosper and live a happy life. This is so beyond my understanding.

Past life or “purva janam ke karam”, I am told. How in the world God decides to punish based on our past life { If at all there was one }, no judicial system in world punishes someone without establishing the nature of crime or charges {except dictators} so is God a dictator? He even does not tell people the crime they have committed and yet punishes them, is that what people call God’s justice.

Some say learn to look at big picture, believe me, I want to. I sometimes try to hard to look at big picture or big plan as they say. But again my mind asks me, is this fair? How can be a higher purpose of taking away the right to see the world? If God can not allow a child to spread her/his wings and explore the world why bring him on the earth in first place.

No religion, no Guru, no book {of what I have read till now has any answer} no explanation at all. All I am asked to do is just believe... with no question asked of course.