Why She? How could you?

Many a times when someone talks to me about you in past tense, it kills just kills me and I feel as if a deep knife is slicing through my core. Every time I take out 4 plates without a thought and realize that only three of us are going to eat the meal I die hundred deaths…

Today after a long time I went for haircut and all I could remember was last time when I went there, I took appointment for both of us. It was almost unbearable to sit through the session and stop myself from crying. Memories of her trying out latest hairstyle in trends, and taking photo after every hair cut the moments that used to  delight us at some point of time brought back lot of pain today. Every time I go out for work or otherwise I just keep waiting for the phone call which I know will never ever be there and words just keep haunting me " How much more time ? "

I still cry many times in a day, but one thing I can control now is not to cry when people are around , not because I can not handle it, but because they feel uncomfortable , people just can not handle other's grief. A friend sent a message yesterday hope you all must have settled now … Can we ever?

I still cry many a times every single day, but with every passing day it becomes more uncomfortable to cry in front of others.  It feels like they just can't handle it , so I try to keep myself distanced from most. Only you know what you are going through and truth is it’s tough and very very lonely there.

Whenever I am sitting alone there is a constant battle going on in the mind, If God exists why does he takes away precious life’s that have not even seen the life properly?

I am just tried of figuring it all, and all I can manage is some more confusion. Since that day I am trying to search logic about the fickleness of life, the soul story and that this life is very small fraction of the bigger picture. I do not consider myself knowledgeable in such matters but I desperately want to see signs , that it is really a part of big picture.

Everyday I have nightmares about that evening, which do not let me sleep, even if I sleep I dream about her where she is laughing , bullying all of us and smiling all the time{ she knew that she is going to get her way }  , when I wake up in the mornings there are always questions buzzing in my mind …and confusion thicker than ever before and anger more than ever...

Why She?
How could you?

But has God ever replied ?